Well, the weekend is over. It was hard. Really, really hard. Not as bad as I feared it would be, but it was still so hard.
I felt like an alien among my own family. Alone.
At one point on Saturday afternoon, when I knew that tears were imminent, I went to my room and basically cried myself to sleep. My nap was much needed and made the rest of the evening a bit more bearable.
The thing of it is that I love the kids and spending time with them is easy. I really do enjoy every minute I get to spend with them. Even when I'm trying to convince a 3.5 year old that Doritos and bacon bits aren't an appropriate breakfast.
It's just the adults that get to me. They aren't doing anything wrong or even overt. But I can't handle conversations about parenting challenges. Or lack of sleep due to an infant. Or breastfeeding. Or returning to work after maternity leave. Trying to redirect the conversation is an exercise in futility. And I can't be around breastfeeding. I just can't. And all of these things (and more) happened over the weekend.
So it's over. And it was hard. But at least it's over.
I'm glad it's over. Breastfeeding - yes, that one is tough!
ReplyDeleteI think in the early days you need to protect yourself, especially if the adults aren't thinking of how their conversations affect you. If you can't be there for every gathering, they'll just have to accept it. It will I hope (I'm almost certain) get better.
Breastfeeding is one of my biggest triggers. While I'll always support a woman's right to feed her child wherever it is needed, I also know that I can't be around it, so I remove myself from the situation. Which sometimes makes me look bad, but whatever.
DeleteIt has to get better (I hope). At least the first time is out of the way!
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ReplyDeleteThere’s nothing like ticking off your trigger list in one fell swoop.
(((HUGS))) my friend, (((HUGS))).
Thanks! I suppose if I can survive this, I can survive anything. :)
DeleteCongratulations on making it through! I totally find the kids easier than the grownups. Especially once they develop personalities and I can't think that they might look like mine would have. It's hard - so hard. Good call on retreating when you needed to. *Hugs*
ReplyDeleteAdd on: I totally feel like an alien in my family. It's so hard to see my siblings' (and sibs'-in-law) relationships with parents change. And ours stays the same. Hanging out playing with the toddlers makes it easier to not face how we are separate, apart, and different from the other adults in the room.
DeleteYou are one strong lady!
I can feel the sadness from this post. I know you knew it would be hard going in, still I'm sorry you are feeling left out by your siblings. But you did a brave thing. And it is my hope that as time goes on (and the nieces and nephews grow) it will become easier. Sending you a hug today.
ReplyDeleteI think it will get easier. I hope anyway. At least I know that I have an outlet here if things don't go well. :)
DeleteJust taking the step of exposing yourself to that environment is a big deal. There is a fine line between protecting yourself, and cutting yourself off. Going in knowing there are going to be triggers is awesome, an I too find the kids are way better to deal with than the adults (like my MIL saying I might change my mind, like I have the choice, just this past weekend grr....). There is no possible way to redirect the conversation though, it's futile. At that point it's better to just play with the kids. Hope you have some recovery time this week.
ReplyDeleteYeah, it is the kids that make it all worthwhile. Super busy this week, but that's much better than idle time for me anyway.
DeleteI'm sure with the home buying process you are very busy. In theory I am just sitting around waiting to close and I still find like, 5 things a day to freak out about. Hope that it's going smoothly for you.
DeleteOn the house buying front, we're in the "waiting to close" phase too....and it feels like it's taking for freaking ever. I'm sure you can relate! It also seems like I'm finding something new to freak out about every day too. Ugh. Just a few more weeks.
DeleteIt sounds like you coped remarkably well with what sounds like a very painful set of stimuli. I hope the after effects don't haunt you and deprive you of sleep for too long. As you know, I agree whole heartedly with everyone who has commented that you shouldn't feel obliged to go to (all) these gatherings. Wishing you a peaceful week.
ReplyDeleteBest wishes,
Naomi M
Distance does have it's perks, and I live far enough away that I'm not expected (nor do I feel obligated) to go to everything. Thankfully!
DeleteI am sending you tons of hugs across the Atlantic.
ReplyDeleteYes, I know. How many times did I feel like an alien. Breastfeeding is the hardest thing of all.
Thanks, Klara! <3
DeleteIt's nice to not feel so alone.
I so know that feeling of being an alien, especially among dh's family. I'm still the only non-Italian to marry into his mom's side, 30+ years later. Still the only married couple not to have procreated. The first (and I suspect only, for quite some time to come) couple of our generation to buy and live in a condo. Sorry the visit wasn't better, but here's hoping this paved the way for easier ones in the future. (((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteI hope so too! Thanks! Despite not being Italian (not even a little bit, anywhere in my heritage), I fit right in with the Italian side of hubs' family (his paternal grandma was born in Italy) and they wholeheartedly embraced me. My SIL even remarked after my first Christmas with the family that she wasn't fully accepted until after she had their first kid and I was accepted within 20 minutes.
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