Thursday, September 18, 2014
Ups and Downs
Right now I feel like I'm in a really good place. I don't have that "elephant on my chest" feeling every time I think about not having children or other people having children. It's been a couple of weeks since a pregnancy or birth announcement completely gutted me. I'm able to differentiate being happy for them and being sad for us instead of just all-consuming jealousy and sadness. My husband and I have been spending a lot of really great quality time together and not once have I lamented about not having children or how whatever we were doing would somehow be better if we did have a child. I feel good right now. I feel confident right now. I feel like I can handle whatever the universe throws at me. But I also wonder when the bottom is going to drop out. I wonder how long the inevitable depression will last once the bottom does fall out. Does anybody else get this way? My plan is just to ride this wave as long as possible and then deal with the fall out when it comes.
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Riding the wave and dealing with the fall out is actually a good plan. Rolling with the emotions, feeling good (and appreciating the fact) when you are feeling good, and dealing with the down days when (or if) they come. I call this major progress. Good for you!
ReplyDeleteIt is progress and it feels really good! Unfortunately my default line of thinking is that if something good happens something bad is definitely on the horizon. I think I need to work on that. :)
DeleteJust added your blog to my Blogroll, Kinsey. Glad you're in such a good place. Even on the not so good days I remembered the Chumbawamba song, "I get knocked down, but I get up again..."
ReplyDeleteWelcome, Pamela! I haven't heard that song in years! If I remember correctly, it came out around the time I got my license. I bought the cassette single and drove around blasting it. Oh the memories. I digress though. "I get knocked down, but I get up again, they're never gonna keep me down" is actually a motto of sorts for my life. I've overcome a whole lot of challenges to get where I am today. I've been knocked down so many times and I guess I have a chip on my shoulder. Not only do I get back up again for me, but I also do so to prove other people wrong.
DeleteI'm so glad you feel good and you feel confident. There will be ups and downs, I will be honest with you. The infertility-related downs will last until the moment you fully, truly accept you are to live your life without children. If even one microscopic part of you feels that 'maybe' and 'miracles happen' then the waves will keep coming. I'm talking this from experience.
ReplyDeleteThere are many challenges in life, not just baby-related, so it is important to take as much time as needed for each issue and move through all stages of grief and move on. Just try to capture this feeling 'up', mentally and emotionally, and remember that this is real you, this is a normal state to be, and the depression is not inevitable. Feeling sad yes, it will always be there, depression - not necessarily (unless this is bipolar d/o).
I think you nailed it, Obie. I'm worried that at some point hope will creep back in and the bottom will fall out. I hope it doesn't, but it fear it will. But them again, I'm one of those super analytical and introspective people who are able to get to the bottom of my feelings and move on pretty quickly. Who knows?
DeleteI think you are :) Reading your blog, I get the feeling that you are very analytical and rational person, and your way of thinking is similar to mine. I cannot see myself being depressed for five years and then go through the stage of acceptance for another decade, my life is too short for that. There are still so many things to do and emotions to feel and people and other living creatures to love and enjoy and care for and being with them in the moments of need. I wish your all dreams come true, one way or another.
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