Saturday, August 30, 2014

Why not me?

My best friend is pregnant.  My sister is pregnant.  My good friend, the one I taught how to use ovulation tests, brought her baby home from the hospital yesterday.  I want to be happy for them.  I know I should be happy for them.  But the truth is that I'm jealous.  And I'm mad at myself for being jealous.


  1. I found your blog via Mali's.
    I don't think that you should feel mad at yourself for being jealous: it's so hard sometimes when people around us (even people we love dearly) are getting what we wanted too. I stopped ttc years ago but sometimes other peoples' good news is still like a stab to the heart.
    Sending you warm thoughts.

  2. Thank you so much! The competing emotions are so hard. I want to be happy for them, I really do, but it is so hard seeing all of them with what I want so deeply. I am learning to protect myself though. For the friend who recently had the baby, we bought a generic Congratulations card and put an Amazon gift card in it. We didn't have to look at sappy baby cards nor subject ourselves to the baby section at Target. I've already decided that I won't be attending my sister's baby shower too. I have to protect me and I refuse to feel bad about that.

  3. I felt jealousy as well! I think it's very normal and you shouldn't be mad at yourself for your normal response. I also don't attend baby showers anymore and just buy gifts from the registry or giftcards.

  4. Thanks, Illanare! A stab in the heart describes it perfectly!

  5. I often describe it simply as a very painful reminder of what we can't have. It's nicer than "jealousy" and I think more accurately describes how we feel. Though sometimes, we're jealous, plain and simple. It's a normal, human emotion. So don't beat yourself up over it.

  6. But on the other hand - jelousy is the most logical feeling you can feel.
    I know what I am writing about.

    1. This. This is what I love about this community. Not only do I gain reassurance that everything I'm feeling is normal and ok, but also the camaraderie that comes from knowing that others have been there too (and come out of it stronger than ever). Thank you.