Wednesday, September 21, 2016

Avalanche: A Love Story

A few weeks ago, Pamela posed the idea of doing a book blog tour for a newly published book, Avalanche: A Love Story by Julia Leigh.  For a link to the other reviews, click here.

I decided that I wasn't going to do a review, not because I didn't want to read the book, but because I knew I had a heck of a month coming up at work and didn't know if I would have the time to devote to reading the book and writing a review.  Then Rachel Cusk's review of the book came out in the New York Times and I decided that I wasn't going to stand idly by while some hoity-toity, non-reproductively challenged bitch woman raked Julia Leigh over the coals with completely uncalled for personal attacks, both on her, and on those who utilized science in their attempts to have children.

First of all, I admire anyone brave enough to put their story out there for the general public, knowing that they're probably going to be ripped to shreds because the topic is an uncomfortable one and wrought with judgement and lack of understanding and empathy.   Many thanks to Julia for adding a much needed book to an important category.

I downloaded the book on iBooks for, I think, $12.99 US.  I probably would have preferred a paper copy of the book, but I also seem to be lacking in advance planning skills as of late and didn't get it ordered in time, so the virtually instantaneous access that an e-book offered was right up my alley.  Plus I apparently had iTunes credit, so that was nice too.  Anyway, the e-book format wasn't as refined as others that I've read, but I don't have any complaints about it, particularly since I was reading within two minutes of buying it.

Based on the cover alone, which depicts a woman holding a newborn, I might not have even picked it up for fear that it was just another "happy ending includes a baby" infertility book.  In this case, I had the advantage of recommendations from Pamela and Mali, so I knew that the happy ending of the book didn't include a baby. 

The book itself was short.  I'm not sure how many pages the paper book has, but my e-book had 79 pages with my font size settings.  I read it in about two hours in one sitting while sipping on a big glass of wine.  I read it again a few days later and it took a bit longer because I was making careful notes of things I wanted to touch on in this review.  The fact that it is such a short read is definitely an asset, I think.

I appreciated the author's ability to say so much with so few words.  Essentially the book chronicled Julia falling in love with the man she would later marry and try to have a child with, that marriage falling apart, trying to conceive with sperm from a known donor, and then falling in love with her life and accepting that she'd never have children. The chronology of the story line was easy to follow.

There were so many times where I found myself nodding my head in agreement or understanding.  For example, early in the book she describes her "deeply ambivalent view of motherhood."  I get this.  Like Julia, I wasn't sure if I wanted kids at all, until I wanted them, and then I wanted them really bad, including the "irrational leap" she made when she concluded that her chances would be better than other women her age.  It took me right back to the crazy part of trying to have a baby, because I did the exact same thing!  I also appreciated her honesty about the toll that trying to have a baby took on their sex life.  I think that anybody who tried to have a baby for any length of time can relate to this.

At one point she talked about "our child," a concept that I fully related to.  While hubs and I never ventured down the IVF path, our hypothetical child was very real to us too (including the discussing names), but I've never quite been able to figure out how to talk about it.  Julia did this for me.  Since I can't say it any better than she did, the quote from the book is:
“I’m an expert at make-believe. Our child was not unreal to me. It was not a real child but also it was not unreal. Maybe a better way to say it is that the unknown unconceived had been an inner presence. A desired and nurtured inner presence. Not real but a singular presence in which I had radical faith. A presence that could not be substituted or replaced.”
I could also relate to Julia and Paul's (the partner/husband/ex-husband) first trip to the fertility clinic, right down to dressing smartly.  She described the fertility clinic as a "temple of discretion" and honestly she could have been describing our fertility clinic too.

Regarding Paul, I must admit that there were a few points where the big sister in me wanted to grab Julia by the shoulders, look her dead in the eye, and tell her to run the hell away from that man and never look back because he wasn't good for her.  But love is a weird thing, especially when the good parts are so good.

I loved her detailed descriptions of egg collection, IUI, IVF, donor sperm, and a variety of other important facets of the reproductive process.  I felt these descriptions would be really important for someone just dipping their toe into the world of infertility or assisted reproduction or if the reader was someone who was supporting a person going through treatment.  I also really appreciated how she gave the actual cost for each and every procedure.  I think that so often these costs are hidden or spoken of in generalities, so I appreciated how upfront she was about it.  I liked how she was quick to point out that because of past financial windfall she was able to pay for treatment without incurring significant debt or hardship, and acknowledged that not everyone was in the same financial position as she was.

One of the most poignant parts of the book for me was when she touched on the societal perceptions of IVF patients.  She said:
“In the public imagination – as I perceive it - there’s a qualified sympathy for IVF patients, not unlike that for smokers who get lung cancer. Unspoken: “You signed up for it, so what did you expect …?”
I don't know how many times people have said thing that completely minimize the life-altering experience that infertility is, and the quote above captures that explicitly.  There's always the assumption that we did something wrong or that we did something to deserve it. 

My biggest takeaway from the book came on the last page, where Julia described her relationship with her nieces.  This is something I've been making a more conscious effort to do.  One of my nieces was born during the hardest parts of infertility and then two nieces and a nephew were born in the aftermath of accepting that we'd never have children in back to back to back pregnancies.  For a long time I had to keep them at arm's length because it was too painful.  For the longest time I looked at them and saw what we missed out on, but I'm starting to turn that attitude around and I'm starting to really enjoy spending time with them (and spoiling them).

In conclusion, ignore the NYT review (unless, of course, you want to write to the editor and tell them all of the reasons that the paper should be embarrassed that they published such a terrible review, in which case, go for it), acquire a copy of the book, and read it.  I think that this book is important and adds to the conversation about the toll that infertility takes on a person and a couple as well as building a life after treatments don't work out.

15 comments:

  1. Right on, sister!! I am so glad you made time to participate (thank you!) as your review goes a very long way in tackling many of the issues that I've also struggled over the years to put into words. What to call the 'childling' that was so very real to us then (and now) as I watch all the children born in the same years that we were engaged in Clomid, IUI and IVF cycles. It fills my heart with joy that we can so passionately protect and defend our 'sisters.'

    The silver lining in this entirely surreal human experience is that I've come to know and love so many women (and men) -- present company included! -- who allowed each of us to find our way back to some new normal. It is no easy feat to mend heartbreak and discover new ways to love all the while get clubbed over the head by cultural norms that marginalize us. And just to make the task a bit taller: educate on the shadow side of modern medicine all at the same time. But we could not ask for more courageous and loyal friends of the heart, could we? xoxo

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    1. Thanks! I'm really glad I did this. Thanks again for setting it up!

      I've often said that one of the silver linings of this unchosen path in life is all of the friends that I've made. I've had so many amazing role models and I know they have been a huge asset to working through the grief.

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  2. Nodding along and agreeing with all you said. Why is this quantification when it comes to reproducing? Why is it that those who go through this have to explain and rationalize their choices?

    Such an important book. Thank you for this review.

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    1. I know what you mean! Literally the only person that we need to justify anything to is our partner. That's the way it should be anyway.

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  3. Yes. Yes yes yes yes yes. I love your thoughts on this book. I agree with you that it is all the more powerful because it is short, and that she does so much with few words. I felt a strong connection to the idea of "Our Child" too, and also feel that frustration about how IVF patients are viewed as "asking for it" and there are so many assumptions made. (I had a fellow teacher tell me how she doesn't find twins all that remarkable anymore, because of "all that IVF bullshit." I had to inform her that she was talking to someone deeply entrenched at the time in "that bullshit" and maybe she'd best rethink her thinking and grow a little empathy). That's what I feel like this book does best that Rachel Cusk missed -- a feeling of empathy through the raw honesty that Julia Leigh provides on this topic. I would hope most if not all people reading would feel that grinchy heart grow three times with empathy as a result. I love your review!

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    1. I agree! Empathy is what is missing from so much of society. Also, I'm glad that you responded to your colleague like you did!

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  4. Great review, BnB! (My copy was also an e-version.) I too had my misgivings about Julia's relationship with Paul, but I also understood how much she had invested in it and why the vision of "Our Child" had such a hold on her.

    I am glad you are starting to be able to enjoy your nieces. :) I think dh & I have been a good aunt & uncle to our two nephews -- but I know we could have been even closer, had it not been for infertility & loss, and I regret that. The years go by so quickly, and I am truly stunned at how fast they have grown up -- both now in their 20s & getting married! I am hoping there will be some great-nieces & nephews soon that I can spoil in compensation ;) (although, of course, they will never get any pressure on that front from me!!).

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    1. I'm glad too. It's only been since probably the summer when the scales tipped from equal parts enjoying them and seeing in them everything I lost, but now I mostly enjoy them. Two of my nieces are at a really fun age, and now they've discovered skype, so they frequently call me to tell me important things like one of them was wearing cat leggings or to read to my dog.

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  5. Thank you for sharing your take on the book. I agree that the cover is a bizarre choice, and I noticed that the Australian and English versions have a different one, and without that painful mother infant dyad... Although I never got to experience fertility treatments (blessing or curse: discuss), I too 'knew' the child that my husband and I would have had, and the two daughters too. They all had names, too private for me to reveal, locked forever in the vault of my heart. Cusk's heartlessness and obtuseness was odious (and nonsensical) and if it had been about any other issue (disability perhaps?) it would have been spotted as vicious grandstanding by the eds. It just goes to show how much cultural blindness there is to the prejudice and othering of childless women in our society. Great to read your take on it too. And as for that husband in the novel? ... don't get me started! Jody x

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    1. I like the English/Australian cover much better! I am in agreement that had her review been about almost any other marginalized group that there would have been mass public outcry.

      I'd love to discuss the blessing/curse of not experiencing fertility treatment sometime!

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  6. It also seems weird to me that they'd put a woman holding a baby on the cover... would certainly put me off if I didn't already know so much about the book.

    This theme fascinates me: “In the public imagination ... there’s a qualified sympathy for IVF patients, not unlike that for smokers who get lung cancer. Unspoken: “You signed up for it, so what did you expect …?”.

    I knew this general feeling existed, but I was first able to articulate anything about it only after reading the section in Silent Sorority where Pamela talks about how there seems to be a free license out there for people to 'heap scorn' on those having infertility treatment. When I read that paragraph of the book a lightbulb went off in my head: it was true, it seems to be totally acceptable to pile derision and vitriol on people undergoing ART, as if it's their own fault and they should just shut up and put up. And sure enough, Cusk subscribes to that and expressed it in her review of Leigh's book.

    I'm waiting for Avalanche to arrive from Amazon and can't wait to read it.

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    1. Exactly. It's really ridiculous. No one faults a cancer patient for seeking treatment for their medical condition (as they shouldn't) but what's so different about us?

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  7. Great review! So many of the same things struck us, particularly this:

    “I’m an expert at make-believe. Our child was not unreal to me. It was not a real child but also it was not unreal. Maybe a better way to say it is that the unknown unconceived had been an inner presence. A desired and nurtured inner presence. Not real but a singular presence in which I had radical faith. A presence that could not be substituted or replaced.”

    Julia writes the perfect description of the experience of children existing in one's dreams. I don't label it as make believe though myself - I always felt that my children felt real to me because I'm a human.

    Love the image of you grabbing her and telling her to get away from Paul - you would have done that well no doubt. I couldn't like him either - his character came across as very selfish and insecure - but what matters is the experience of the person in the relationship, like you said.

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    1. Thanks, Sarah! My kid(s) were real to me too. They were never more than a figment of my imagination but the idea of them was so real, and thinking about them, thinking of what we lost, it's heartbreaking.



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  8. I really appreciate your review! I read the book and was very moved by it. Although I didn't share every situation/feeling Leigh had, she so adeptly put into words much of the infertility and IVF experience. And while I wish she had ultimately achieved the outcome she wanted, I did also appreciate a story where the ending isn't happy. As someone who is ending their TTC journey unsuccessfully, I like stumbling upon stories I can relate to. Most of the memoirs out there have a happy ending-- which is great!-- but not comforting for those of us who stop treatment without a baby in our arms.

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