Thursday, April 20, 2017

I miss

I love spring.  Everything wakes up.  Things start anew.  The sun comes out of hiding.  I start spending a lot of time outside.  My soul is recharged in so many ways.

But there are things about spring that amplify what I'm missing out on thanks to infertility.  Soccer, for example.

One of the things I most looked forward to about parenting was sharing our love of sports with our kids.  There are few things, in my opinion, cuter than a swarm of four and five year olds chasing after a soccer ball, everyone cheering when a goal is scored, no matter which team scores or whether or not it was in the correct goal.  The pure joy of sport.

Had things worked out differently, this is probably the first year that our kids would have been old enough to participate.

But we don't have kids.  So there will be no soccer games.

And I miss it.


11 comments:

  1. Oh lady. Nothing but love and hugs coming your way.

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    1. Back atcha lady! So thankful you are in my life!

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  2. I can understand this. I feel like this time is such a sucker punch, because everyone comes out of the woodwork with their kids on walks and the stroller and even in the woods, it seemed to be bring your baby to the trail day, which is something I would have done. It is so hard to have that What Could Have Been pass before your eyes. Thinking of you and the phantom soccer games, I totally get missing something that never got to be. Love to you.

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    1. Yes, yes, yes. Missing something that never got to be is an oddly painful sensation. It's something that I wish that no one had to understand.

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  3. Oh yes. I wrote a post about the things I would miss - sports, music, languages, baking, sewing, etc. It's hard, but it is okay to acknowledge this. And in some ways, even though it was painful, it was also therapeutic to acknowledge the specific things I would miss.

    Not that I would have necessarily done any of these things with children. Maybe they wouldn't be sporty, or musical, or interested in things I like doing or have fond childhood memories of doing. My sister, who is extremely ungirly, has the very pink-loving, makeup-inventing (she was dipping crayons into hot water and then painting her lips with them!) Charlie to contend with.

    With years passing though, it is easier too. We played soccer with her when we last visited, she was so keen to do it (we had done it last time we visited, and she'd remembered) - though my husband tried a tricky move and pulled a hamstring muscle!

    Meanwhile, sending hugs.

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    1. I completely agree with this being both painful and therapeutic! I think it just hit me a little harder than normal because right now is a high stress time at work and I haven't been sleeping well, both of which amplify smaller things for me.

      I so would have loved the opportunity to help my kids explore things that are interesting to them (sports, music, whatever). But it is what it is. Also, Charlie. I love her.

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  4. I've been feeling it too. Spring used to be my favorite season.....it still is but now it's my favorite season with heart slashings thrown in. Got into gardening early this year due to the warmer weather. Then spring break hit and I found myself gardening to the sounds of other people's children (an odd combination of pleasurable and triggering for me) and walking by my windows only to view what feels like onslaughts of strollers (purely triggering).

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    1. It's so freaking hard. I'd been doing really well, but driving by that park the other day really hit me hard.

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  5. it must be spring, some days I feel like "should I give it another go?" and a lot of the time now I am starting to feel like the things I told myself I would be able to do if I just didn't pursue IVF just aren't realistic even without the expense of fertility treatment and then kids. I kind of soothed myself with ideas of carefree travel, affordable botox and super white veneers, good wine and beer, white carpets etc. TURNS OUT you must really NEED the tax deduction to afford kids because I can't afford like 90% of that stuff. So a lot of the things I told myself to soothe my heartache are coming apart a little. I don't want to say the things I would picture myself doing with the kids I didn't have in case it adds to your feelings, but all of us in this group go through similar feelings at certain times of the year.

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  6. Sending hugs as well, dear BnB...

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