Thursday, October 13, 2016

Planning ahead

This is Part 2 (of sorts) to the family picture saga of last weekend, but I felt like this deserved it's own post.

When I scheduled my laparoscopy, I was thinking ahead.  I scheduled it for the Monday before Thanksgiving, a date chosen specifically because it's pretty easy for me to take the rest of the week off from work.  The doctor said to plan for a week of recovery time.  Perfect.

Despite sharing openly in the blogosphere that I'm having this done, in my private life, I wanted to keep this pretty low on the down low.  I'm not ashamed or anything like that, I just prefer to not disclose things like this until after the fact, if at all.  I've found that, similar to infertility, everybody has some horror story (alternatively, a story of hope).  I've only told two friends and my boss, and I only told my boss that I was having a minor outpatient surgical procedure done and that it shouldn't impact my return to work, but that I wanted to let him know in case there were any complications.

I wasn't planning to tell anyone in my family, especially my mother, because she doesn't have a proven track record of honoring requests for confidentiality.

But sometimes the best laid plans have a kink in them.  In this case, the particular kink is Thanksgiving, the epitome of family togetherness.  Oops.  Forgot about that minor detail.  Well, I didn't forget the holiday, I just didn't think my plan all the way through, and how I would explain why we aren't going to be there. 

While we were at my parent's house my mom asked about our Thanksgiving plans.  Shit.  Shit, shit, shit.  Since it's unlikely that I'll feel up to a road trip 2 days after a laparoscopy, I had to tell her.  It feels wrong to tell a white lie to get out of a holiday with family.  So I told her.  I asked her to respect my privacy by not sharing this with anyone but my dad. 

Her immediate response was one of concern.  She asked me why I was having it and who was doing it.  I shared as much as I felt comfortable sharing and stuck to the facts.

Then she asked if I'd like for her to come and be with me as I recover.  I politely declined her generous offer offer as I thought in my head that I'd rather light myself on fire.  Before you think I'm a horrible person, I'm the sort of person that wants to be left in a corner to die when I'm not feeling well.  I don't want anybody to take care of me.  I even told hubs that I only wanted him to take Monday off, which he agreed to, but only on the condition that if needed he would take Tuesday and/or Wednesday off.

But then my mom said something so far out in left field that it completely blindsided me.

She asked if having this done meant that we were going to try to have a baby again.

What the actual fuck?

After I picked my chin up off of the floor I managed to get out that anything I did to my reproductive parts from this point forward was solely about quality of life.

It didn't hurt as much as much as it pissed me off.  Without another word I turned and walked away from her, knowing full well that if I didn't, I'd end up saying something that did permanent damage to our relationship.

I went on a long walk and had an ugly cry.  Not a single word about it was uttered when I came back to their house.

A few days later, the blind rage has passed, but the hurt and frustration remains.

I've never asked my mom (or anyone else for that matter) to agree with every decision we've made during our infertility journey, but I guess I'm still naive enough expect that people will respect us enough to not second guess our decisions or try to change our minds. 

I just want understanding.  And empathy.  And respect.  And if a person can't manage those, silence is the best option.  Words hurt.

Oh, and now my grandma's church has me on the prayer chain.  Because apparently "please don't tell anyone I'm having this done" wasn't clear enough.

24 comments:

  1. I have never seen a parent who truly respects independence and privacy of their children. Maybe, they exist but I have never encountered this within my own extended family or families of my friends. No matter how old and experienced we get our parents still think they know better and do things for our own good the way they see appropriate, not the way we ask them to do it. My way of dealing with keeping boundaries was asserting my privacy simply by telling 'This is private, I am not discussing it'. No matter what, I am sorry you had to be blindsided like that and to have this discussion in the first place. Please focus on your health and healing and hopefully the surgery will bring you a lot of relief. Take care of yourself! Hugs {}

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    1. I agree with you that parents (especially mothers) respect the privacy and independence of their children are rare. My MIL and FIL come close, but not completely. Believe it or not I'm a whole lot better with boundaries then I used to be, but I think I still have a long way to go.

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  2. oh gosh, I'm sorry. I can imagine that was the last thing you needed to hear from your mom! And I can also imagine how uncomfortable it must feel now knowing that prayer group know about the procedure which you specifically said you'd like to keep private! I'd be mad too.

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    1. Seriously....it's not that hard. I know she thinks prayer makes a difference or whatever, but I specifically asked her not to tell anyone!

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  3. That sucks. I found that I never got any understanding at all from my closest family members over any aspect of my IF. A sibling chose to tell a couple of people my business (I had asked to keep the IVF secret, for example) "because they care so much!" (no, they didn't). And then they got righteously offended if I reacted badly, and it became all about them... Hopeless. Sending good vibes

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    1. I'm sorry that your trust was violated too! It sucks! And I love how they get pissed when they do something we asked them not to and then call them out on it.

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  4. There is emerging literature for cancer patients about how family is the number 1 issue hindering recovery. Why? Because the patient will spend so much time and energy emotionally managing their needs. Which is why many centers are starting to address this by educating the whole family following diagnosis.

    Sounds like your family would greatly benefit from this.

    I'm so sorry that your mom made this about her. I get it, she doesn't see it that way. But she still did it and it sucks.

    And I'm happy to stage a pyrotechnic show during your grandmother's prayer group or church service. We'll push the go button once we hear "let us pray."

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    1. Wow! I never would have guessed that about cancer patients and their families. Makes complete sense though! I agree that maybe my family would benefit. Or maybe they would be too dense.

      I love the idea of a pyrotechnic show too!

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  5. Oh no... so sorry about that! To be on a prayer chain when you never even ASKED for it (and actually wanted to keep it a secret)... phew! I'd be upset about all of it, too!

    I find that most people don't respect the decisions we make in the "family planning" department. My best friend actually has told me three times (after I told her to please not mention this again the very first time!) that she still believes I will have a miracle baby. She still has that big mommy pregnancy book ready for me and is refusing to give it away. I have given up on trying to make her understand how much this upsets me. There are some things that only other CNBCs will understand. That's the conclusion I came to. Everybody else thinks they are perfectly polite, friendly or even understanding, but they just have *no clue*. Like really no clue at all.

    I'm glad you're taking a week off for the laparoscopy. My naive self at the time thought I could have surgery on Friday and be back to work on Monday - pfff ;-)! You're doing better than me!

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    1. People definitely don't respect family planning decisions. Which I totally don't get because it literally has nothing to do with them.

      I probably would have been inclined to do it more like you did, but my doctor was pretty adamant that I should allow for a week. Once I started talking to friends who've had it done, it seems that this is realistic.

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    2. I'm glad your doctor has informed you well. That's the way it should be.

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    3. Take all the time you're entitled to! I have learned this from experience! (Not with a laparoscopy, but other stuff.) If you're feeling better in a day or two, just consider it a bonus. ;)

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  6. :-o
    OMG – there’s a part ii….!!

    This pretty much sums up why this subject is not easily discussed. Lack of privacy and empathy, miracle stories, being told to remain hopeful when we know the reality is very different, the 'just give it one more try, because you never know' comments…
    That emotional and physical roller coaster is one ride I wouldn’t wish on anyone.

    It’s disheartening your privacy wasn’t respected.

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    1. It is! I don't know why I keep giving my family second chances.

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  7. Oh man all of that. next time give the white lie a shot, see how it goes! Couldn't be worse than all that.

    Also no horror stories. Your procedure will go well and if anything is found one way or another it will be taken care of.

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    1. I spent the whole day thinking about this post yesterday, probably because I was out with my two friends that have new babies all day, and I have some thoughts to add.

      I'm basing this all on what I read on your blog, which I don't know you outside of, so if there are things that I am not able to take into account I apologize.

      It seems like, your family is the last mountain to climb on your road to recovery and you aren't 100 percent ready. You've gotten to the point where you can almost forgive daft strangers for their stupidity or ignorance, but your family seems to get you every single time. There could be a lot of reasons for this, but part of it seems that you expect better from them and they just aren't better. The difference between them and the daft stranger is that you might have to see them again. How you react to them is the only part of this that you control. Taking Thanksgiving off is a good thing, if you need to, take Christmas as well. You have to protect yourself and holidays are so full of expectations it's good to step back. You should however, call your mother and tell her calmly and assertively that you are unhappy that she did not maintain your confidentiality. You should also tell her that you want her going forward to respect the choice you had to make and celebrate the life you have and not the things that did not happen. before you make this call maybe make a short list, 3 or 4 items, of things she has said to you or to others that made you upset. Nothing is worse than confronting people with their bad behavior and when they ask for an example you get stuck.

      I know I put a lot here that may be very presumptuous, and I do apologize for any of that. I just spent so long thinking about it that I hope some of those thoughts can help you deal with your family.

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    2. These are all good suggestions, and they might work for a lot of people with their families, but unfortunately my mother has a special ability to turn anything around in a manner where she is the victim. And at least at this point I'm not willing to cut her out of my life, because that would mean cutting my dad out too. At this point the best strategy is for me to not tell her anything personal or that I mind other people going (obviously I ignored my own policy, but there were mitigating circumstances), and space my physical interactions out as much as possible.

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    3. Ah there's a piece I was missing. Then I guess the white lie will have its place going forward and that's cool. I think that's how about 99 percent of people deal with their families as it is.

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  8. I can't believe (except I can) how common it is for all of us to have families that don't understand and don't respect privacy. It seems so basic to me: you ask someone not to tell anyone something, so they shouldn't tell ANYONE that piece of information. My mom shared my private info too. And I've received no empathy from one of my sisters. And another friend keeps telling me what a great mom I will be when... It's just not going to happen. ??? I really don't get why infertility is so hard for people to understand.

    I'm sorry for your weekend and your privacy not being honored and your decisions not being respected. I think we can all relate, but it doesn't make it any less frustrating or infuriating.

    Wishing you well for your laparoscopy!! I had one and it wasn't bad. I'm glad you are giving yourself time off after the procedure.

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    1. It's so ridiculous, isn't it. I mean, "please don't tell anyone" is an easy, simple, clear request. I'm sorry that it's happened to you too!

      It seems like it's a mixed bag with the lap. Some people say that they are good to go the next day and others need a full week. I know that with the HSG test that most people said it was no big deal and mine was extremely painful. So who knows!

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  9. I am sorry about the comments and that your mom didn't respect your privacy (again).
    But what I just love is your brilliant black humour. I just got tired with a bad headache (and a bad cold) from Italy... and I needed a lough.

    Although - this is actually quite nice, that somebody has you in your prayers.

    xoxo

    Klara

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    1. Thanks, K! If it wasn't for black humor and sarcasm, I'm not sure how I'd cope. :)

      I don't necessarily being in someone's prayers. I personally don't think prayer does anything, but I also think it can't hurt if somebody wants to do it for me. I just wish that my privacy hadn't been violated.

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  10. Oh no, I'm so sorry. That is the worst. I don't think you're a horrible person at all. I am the same...when recuperating from something I like a short phone call, a card or something, but someone hanging over me to help makes me want to scream. Just leave me with my painkillers and books (or magazines if the painkillers make reading too hard). And holy jeezum, I am so sorry about what she said. I think for her maybe it's coming from a misguided place of hope, not realizing that by saying what she did she's disregarding your decision and everything it took to get there. Smart lady, going for a walk. It's not at all the same, but my mom recently said something about me getting pregnant would be such a wonderful thing, and I was like, "um, have you been LISTENING? That is not going to happen and at this point I don't even want it to happen." It was like she forgot everything that went into our decision to pursue adoption. I hope your surgery goes well and there are no complications. I hope you get the quality of life you deserve. And I hope your family can learn to either keep things zipped or find a better way to communicate around this issue. Thinking of you.

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    1. Exactly! Give me Netflix and a good book, and I'm good to go. I suspect she'll try to convince hubs to let her come up, but I know he'll tell her (more firmly than I could manage) that she can't.

      I'm sorry that your family doesn't seem to get it either. It's just hard.

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