Tuesday, October 18, 2016

A couple of interesting hashtags

I am ashamed to be an American right now.  I am ashamed that a man like the Republican nominee is a legitimate candidate for president of my country.  I am ashamed that a man who has publicly made racist, xenophobic, and misogynistic statements could be our next leader.  I am ashamed that a man who publicly shames those with disabilities and women could be our next leader.  And I'm baffled at how he has managed to gain so much support.  Frankly, I don't think this man should be out on bail, let alone running for the highest office of this land.

Just when I didn't think it was possible for my opinion of the Republican nominee for president couldn't get any lower, push alerts started coming through on my phone just as we were leaving for family pictures.  This story broke (just in case you haven't seen or heard about it, if you choose to play the video, be aware that it's not safe for work or children).  I was physically ill  when I heard his words.  And then that anger turned to rage.  Apparently I was not alone.

If you've been anywhere social media or the news recently, you've probably seen or heard about two hashtags, #notokay and #WhyWomenDontReport.  Women started coming out, collectively and loudly, and talking about their first assault, and then later in the week explaining why they didn't report it.  These aren't the first hashtags of this nature, just the most recent.

Loribeth reviewed a book earlier this summer called Sex Object and was brave enough to share some of her own personal experiences with men overstepping their bounds as part of her review.  Her post came back to the front of my mind a few days ago when a notification for a new comment popped up in my inbox. 

So I'm going to share too.  If you find things like this bothersome or triggering, please take care of yourself and don't read any further.

This wasn't the first time something happened, but it was the time where I realized that women really aren't equal.  I was 11.  It was on the school bus.  I was tall and lanky.  I wasn't to the part of puberty where I had hips or breasts yet.  The hairstyle at the time was for women to wear short hair (it was the early 90s, after all).  I was the second to last stop so by the time I got on, the bus was full, save for one seat, directly by a high school boy.   This kid made the 10 minute ride to school seem like forever, and the only seat left by the time I got on was right beside him and where I was the only girl for at least five rows.  There was a lot of verbal assaults in the first weeks of school, mainly telling me that I didn't look like a girl, but he didn't touch me.  Until one day when he did.  I got on the bus just like any other day, except when I got back to the seat, he grabbed me by the backpack and pulled me in, said "I'm gonna pull your pants down and see if you are really a girl."  I struggled.  I got my arm free.  And I punched him in the nose.  I was suspended from the bus for 10 days.  I tried to tell the school administration what happened.  I cried.  I begged them to make him stop taunting me.  In their eyes I was in the wrong.  I had to apologize to the kid who tried to rip my clothes off of me before I was allowed back on the bus.

From this experience I learned that my voice didn't matter, at least not when it came to boys treating me poorly.  I learned that the authorities didn't care about me or my well being.  I learned that I wouldn't be believed.  I learned that I don't matter.  I learned to be afraid.  I learned to feel bad about my body.  I learned to stay silent.  Later I stayed silent too because I was scared, because I didn't want to go through not being listened to again, because I didn't think anyone would believe me.  I couldn't bear the shame again. 

It took me years to realize that it wasn't my fault.  That I didn't do anything to deserve any of it.  That he was the one in the wrong.

The thing is that I know I'm not alone.  I know that most women have experienced some form of unwanted physical attention or advance from a boy or man. 

The ONLY good thing that has come out of this candidate's campaign for president is that people are talking about the prevalence of sexual assault.  Though I fear that if he is elected it will only get worse, because if the man in charge does it, that makes it ok for everyone. 

He can't be elected.  Please tell me that he won't be.

11 comments:

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  2. I am so sorry that that happened to you, and I wish that I could say I'm surprised that you were made to apologize to someone whose aim was to expose you violently, to do who knows what to your most personal of spaces. It sucks that women aren't believed, aren't treated well when they are clearly the ones wronged, and so this whole thing about "why didn't they come forward sooner" boils my britches. I am furious, too. I can only hope that everyone comes to their senses and realizes that this person is a terrible choice for president or any other public office where he could hold any kind of power. It's sick that he can hold the power he can purely because of the money in his bank account. I am glad that people are talking about sexual assault, and consent, and how important it is to try to live in a world where I don't have to always make sure my keys are in my hands when I walk to my car in a parking lot, where I don't have to check my backseat, where I can feel comfortable walking in the woods alone. That would be nice. It won't happen under that person.

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    1. I'm really glad that this issue is becoming a conversation in our country. Sadly I know that I'm not alone, and what I've endured pales in comparison to that of many others.

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  3. I’m saddened to read of your experience.
    Unfortunately, we know all too well that these violations occur all too regularly. The recent stories in the media have only confirmed what we have had to live with growing up, and what we continue to live with, and sadly, at such a young age.

    It in no ways compares to your experience, but the hubby had his wallet stolen (from his front trouser pocket) during a trip to Milan a few years ago. He was very skittish for the rest of the trip, if people got too close, or invaded his space, or brushed up against him as they were passing.
    At the time it led to our conversation about me and most, if not all women, and how we try to measure our level of safety in every daily situation we come across. He is taller, heavier and stronger than me but he was still rattled after his experience.
    Previously, I don’t think he realised how differently we perceive the same world.

    We had three TV channels showing the debate down here….I went and listened to the radio.

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    1. I hate that your hubby had this happen, but sometimes I think things like this are "necessary" for men to truly see what we women go through every single day. At least once a week I end up walking across campus (located in a very urban area) and through a parking garage in the dark. My senses are on full alert from the minute I walk out of my building until I get in my car and lock the doors.

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  4. What a horrible thing to happen and really awful that no one listened to your side of the story and that you felt as if you were in the wrong afterwards! Trump's comments also make me sick and especially when I hear people say "it's just locker room talk" or "boys will be boys". No, it's rape culture. This is why sexual assault is so prevalent when people just ignore someone joking about it

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    1. Exactly. Rape culture. And when men like him boast about it publicly, it becomes commonplace and acceptable.

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  5. I am so sorry to hear about your experience, but unfortunately it's not uncommon as demonstrated by the Republican Presidential Candidate. It is shameful that this person is lauded by so many people, and while I always thought there were a lot of deplorable people in this country, I have been shocked over and over at how far he can go and still have support. It's very, very embarrassing and I fear for the state of our country. I don't understand why anyone with a vagina could vote for him, I can't imagine how anyone with a mother could support him or his actions.

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    1. Yes to all of this! Like Samantha Bee (Full Frontal with Samantha Bee) so eloquently pointed out, "a surprising number of Americans have at least one female relative." Before throwing up a pie chart graphic with 100% shaded in.

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  6. Thanks for the shoutout! & amen to all this. I find it comforting to think that if the Donald is defeated (fingers crossed & knocking wood, and hoping that it's by a landslide), it's going to be in no small part because a bunch of self-proclaimed "nasty women" stood up and said "we're tired of being treated like this, and we're not going to tolerate it, least of all from the President of the United States."

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    1. Exactly! I simultaneously love that so many women are coming forward and sharing the subtle and not so subtle ways that they are objectified on a daily basis and horrified that it happens to so many.

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