Wednesday, August 5, 2015

Who will be there for us?

Who is going to be there for me when I get old?  This is a question that's not new to this community.  We've all wrote about it or at least thought about it.  I've thought about it a lot too.  The last five days have provided the occasion to think a lot about it.

We were at my in-law's house on Saturday when I got a text from my mom asking if I could call her as soon as possible, which isn't my mom's style at all, so I knew something was up.  My dad had a heart attack.  Luckily, at least at that point, it appeared to be a pretty minor heart attack.  She called again on Sunday morning after meeting with the cardiologist and the plan was for him to have a heart catheterization on Monday

After taking with hubs, the plan we devised was to return home to our house on Sunday afternoon (our original plan) and then I would leave early on Monday morning to drive to my hometown to be with my mom.  One sister had a meeting that she couldn't miss, another sister just started a new job in July so she couldn't miss the day of work, and my youngest sister is a stay at home mom to three kids and didn't have a babysitter.  I'm glad it worked out that I could be there, but there is some irony in the fact that I live 150 miles away from my parents and in a different state but all three of my sisters reside in the same county as our parents.  I was thankful to have the ability to rearrange my schedule to be there.

He had the heart cath on Monday, they found a 99% blockage in a really challenging place, cleared it, and placed a stent in his artery.  The heart attack was quite a bit more significant than the blood tests indicated, but with some minor diet and lifestyle changes and some medication, he should be just fine for a long time to come.  He was able to go home on Tuesday evening, but was told he shouldn't really do strenuous physical activity for at least two weeks, which is extremely hard for a 62 year old man who has worked every day for the better part of the last 50 years.  Between this and my mom's breast cancer scare in June/July, I think I'm maxed out in the "parental health crisis" stress category.  I'm so grateful because they were both lucky, our family was lucky.  Hopefully both will be healthy for a long time to come!

My dad's heart attack and me making sure to be there to support my mom made the reality of not having children hit me pretty hard.  If hubs ever has a major health crisis, who is going to drop everything and rush to be with me?  If I ever have a health crisis, who is going to drop everything and rush to be with hubs?  We have nieces and nephews, sure, and while we have a great relationship with all of them, we're not particularly close with any of them and they all live in a different state, so we're not going to be able to count on them.  It's a lonely feeling.  I feel the need to plan for this, but how does one even plan for the unknown?

It is times like this where the weight of infertility is crushing.  It is times like this that make me question decisions that we made.  I'll get through this just like I always do.  Tomorrow is a new day and it will be better.  I have so many things to be thankful for.


13 comments:

  1. Hope your dad makes a full recovery. Yes, nothing brings this into stark relief like carrying for our parents. All I can say is that hopefully by the time I get to that age (which isn't THAT far away ... argh!), we'll have a better idea of who will be there with us. I think the fact that it's the unknown is what is so scary. Sending hugs.

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    1. The unknown is the scary part for me too! Thanks for the hugs and sending them back to you!

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  2. I am so sorry to hear about your Dad's health problems! I am also happy that they didn't delay the cath and that he didn't suffer a second heart attack while waiting for the procedure. It's so good that you were able to be with your parents, it's much easier to be there and help than worry about them from far away...

    No one can see the future. That's why everyone, 'childfull' or childless, should have some kind of insurance. Good health insurance and long term care insurance (the one that covers skilled care at home) as well as a private case manager are a much better arrangements for future health problems than reliance on children. Just imagine you had a baby in a crib and no babysitter just as your sister, and that would mean your parents would've had to face this crisis alone, and the fact they had children would not be really very helpful. I also happen to think it's not very fair to expect children to carry the full load of taking care of their parent's health problems. Ironically, people without children are in much better position to prepare for future problems just because they are forced to think about planning and they have no illusions regarding family involvement.

    Hope your Dad gets well soon! Hugs!

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    1. Obie, you make some very good points about making sure we are set up in the financial sense so even if there aren't family there to care for us, we will have a safety net in place. It also makes me wonder if you are a social worker. :)

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    2. :) I'm not, but I do encounter ill and elder patients and learn their stories because of my job.

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  3. dear BnB, Mali and Obie wrote beautiful comments... so I am just sending best wishes for both of your parents & warm hugs to you!

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  4. Sending you strength at this difficult time and hope that your dad makes a full recovery.

    Best wishes,

    Naomi M

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  5. So sorry to hear this... sending good thoughts for a speedy recovery!

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  6. Oh my gosh, I am so sorry to hear about your father. Sending you and your family the very best wishes for a full recovery for your dad.

    These are the questions I have a lot too, especially lately with hubby's grandmother's failing health. His mother and father are always going down there to help her out. The reality is, by the time hubby and I are that age, both our parents will be gone and our siblings have their own family to take care of them. It's a daunting thought.

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    1. It is pretty sobering to think about, isn't it. And there's nothing like a family health crisis to bring it to the forefront of our minds. Ugh!

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