Sometimes the weight of my grief feels unbearable. The past several days have been really difficult. Tears have been just under the surface and I've been in the much dreaded state of feeling very vulnerable.
I wrote about the hair salon in my last post. I handled it the best way that I could on that particular day and felt good about it.
But sometimes triggers take me completely by surprise. On Sunday I made the dreaded trip to the grocery store (hubs and I both HATE going to the grocery store). I went to one of the big box stores that carries everything you need and a million things you don't because we needed a few things that aren't carried in a traditional grocery store. I got the groceries that we needed and then made my way to the other side of the store where the "stuff" is so I could grab a few non-grocery things. And then it happened. I walked by the Easter baskets. They hit me like a ton of bricks. I'm never going to have a child to fill an easter basket for. I quickly grabbed what I needed and made my way to the checkout which, for once, mercifully, was a really short line. I almost made it to my car before I could not hold back my tears any longer. Twenty minutes later, after one really ugly cry, I was in good enough shape to drive home.
And then sometimes people are just assholes. Yesterday I passed a colleague that I only see occasionally in the hallway. We chatted for a few minutes about work related things before she drops this gem: "So when are you due?!" I'm sure that the look on my face adequately expressed some combination of shock/anger/hurt/confusion. I managed to mutter "I'm not pregnant." Rather than recognizing her misstep and changing the conversation to anything else, she laughed and said "Oh, that shirt makes you look pregnant." I didn't even try to conceal the tears that had welled up in my eyes as I turned and walked away from her. Thankfully I have my own office so I was able to hide and recompose myself (translation: have another ugly cry) as well as convince myself that I didn't have time to walk down to Macy's and buy a new shirt and be back in time for a meeting. So I guess I will never wear that shirt again. Which is unfortunate since I really liked that shirt. I just don't get people sometimes. Even pre-infertility I would have never made an assumption about someone being pregnant.
A lot of the time I feel ok. But sometimes life is just plain difficult. I hate infertility.