Thursday, September 11, 2014

What a difference a year makes

I work in academia.  In May of every year, everyone scatters after commencement and for the most part we don't see each other again until August when school starts, so there is always a lot of catching up to do.  Last year at the beginning of the school year we had a meeting with a catered lunch afterwards.  The department head was moving about the room making conversation with everyone as they ate.  I happened to be sitting at a table with a pregnant colleague, a colleague who had a baby only a couple of months old, and another with a baby under a year old.  Everyone was making small talk about their kids (I'm sure you all know the type of conversation) when the department head asked me when I was going to contribute a baby to the department (there's a joke that at least one person in our department has had a baby every semester for something like 14 semesters running).  I fumbled through an answer, excused myself, and went to my office and had an ugly cry.  Fast forward to yesterday.  Same people, same scenario.  The same department head asked me about my family planning timetable.  This year I said: "The truth is that we tried really hard for a long time, we aren't comfortable pursuing the treatment options available to us, and right now we're figuring out what the rest of our lives are going to look like since children are realistically no longer part of the picture.  There is still a small chance that I could get pregnant, but the reality is that the chances of me getting pregnant are somewhere in the vicinity of my chances of getting struck by lightening."  And then I changed the topic.  You could have heard a pin drop.  I was so proud of myself.  A year ago it was a victory just to get through the conversation without crying publicly.  A year makes a world of difference! 

8 comments:

  1. That was a very brave and honest answer and you absolutely should be proud of yourself!! I am sure everyone in your department will never put you and themselves into an awkward and uncomfortable position with their intrusive questions and insensitive jokes anymore. You may get pregnant, you may not but you are in control of your life.

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    1. For a long time I haven't felt comfortable talking about infertility. It's a taboo topic in many senses, and one that so few people truly understand or can empathize with. At the same time it is really awkward and uncomfortable (and just plain hurts) when people ask about it. I actually crafted several variations of that response for use in situations such as that, following the line of thinking that it's easier to have something planned than to think of something on the fly. I've come to the conclusion that people don't mean to be jerks when they ask, but it is awkward for me, so I want to respond in a way that is equally awkward (maybe I'm the jerk?), but that shuts the conversation down immediately. Another advantage is that responding in this manner typically means that no future family planning inquiries will be made.

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    2. I have a friend who I love and admire, she's a childfree by choice beautiful and educated many times married socialite. Her response to the question about kids is a sincere 'I love them but I don't want to raise them. Tell me about yours!" :)

      I still struggle with how to respond about not having children. I also need to come up with a canned response and I will now since we are not trying anymore. I'm also not at the stage when I can aah and owhh over coworker's kids (or my boss's grandchildren pics plastered all over her office) but it's much easier for me now that I mostly work remotely and can chose who I spend my time with :) I really hope to move on and recover completely.

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    3. I love that you have a childfree role model!

      I definitely recommend coming up with some kind of statement to shut down the family line of questioning. If nothing else it will make you feel more in control of the situation because you will have something prepared.

      I can't put myself in situations where there is a lot of conversation about kids. It's just really hard. I also don't go to baby showers. I'm not going to my own sister's baby shower. She thinks I'm being selfish, and maybe I am, but I'm ok with that. She's selfish for expecting me to come despite everything.

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    4. Wow, that was fabulous!! I'm willing to bet they will think twice before they ask that question to someone else now.

      It's hard to be that honest about something so private & painful -- but as you showed, it can be very effective. ;)

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  2. Good for you for being brave enough to say something.

    We've had a lot of discussions over the years on what to say when we are on the wrong end of insenstive (and intrusive) questions. I wrote this once - http://nokiddinginnz.blogspot.co.nz/2010/12/all-those-questions.html. I've also written a blog post about saying "No." No, I don't have kids. No, I'm not going to have them. I really resent the fact that we feel we have to justify our situation, that we feel we have to give rude people more information than we feel prepared to part with! I also find that humour can be quite a good way to respond. I like to think I might have said some things to your department head something like, "why do you ask? Are you trying to get rid of me?" or "You've got a one-track mind, you asked me this at the same dinner last year!" or something similar. Not particularly witty, but not giving an answer either. (Of course, the truth is, I'd probably only come up with the responses hours later!)

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    1. I might just have to add "The dog is allergic" into my bank of responses. I like your ideas for turning the conversation around on the other person.

      I resent the fact that we feel like we have to justify our situation too, and even more I resent that people actually think it is ok to ask other people about their family planning timetable/why they don't have kids. For the most part I try to respond in a cool and collected manner while simultaneously not providing more information than I am comfortable with, but have reverted to "It's none of your goddamned business" when the occasion calls for it.

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    2. Ha ha, I like 'The dog is allergic', I may steal it :) I keep telling myself that there are just nosy people out there so I need to relax. They just like to know something about everyone so they can have some info to trade for another gossip, nothing personal. It's still extremely annoying but I am telling myself that this is my problem, not theirs.

      I just remembered one thing that can be helpful with dealing with avoiding baby questions in the situations when people just want to say something nice and show their attention to us. I make it very clear to my family and work that my dog is important to me and I'm not ashamed of loving my dog. So believe it or not, when I come to work now people ask how my pooch is doing, how's his health, how he handles summer and if I can show them his new pics :) The redirection technique, I guess I learned something through the years of training dogs LOL I

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